An amazing aspect about Nan that I encountered was she seemed to understand my health issues without much explanation. We went to see her on Christmas Eve and I was wearing a mask just to ensure further protection from my history with sepsis. My nurse advised this was a necessary precaution. When we arrived and I went up to Nan she said, I shouldn’t be here. I assured her I was okay with the mask and it was helping protect me. Even when she was the one we were all worried about, she asked to ensure I was safe. Her awareness was simply incredible.
Nan’s visitations and celebration of her life was this past weekend. I am deeply sorry to say that I was unable to attend all of the visitations and the celebration of her life as I have had the flu. In the past when I have had the flu or cold I ultimately end up with sepsis. I feel I can’t take the time to rest and heal, go back to whatever demands I feel necessary to respond to, ending up with a line infection. Another frustrating aspect of DIGITS for me is an extremely low white blood cell count which makes fighting illness and bacteria very difficult; once I get a bug it is a very slippery slope. Now that we know how a cold or flu can snowball into something much worse, my husband and I decided it was better if I stayed home. I kept hoping each day I would be better for the following day of visitations and Nan’s celebration of her life but I was very sadly mistaken. I missed all 3 days and my husband attended without me.
My husband is truly amazing and keeps reminding me it isn’t worth what can happen and how Nan knew how risky my situation can be. I still feel so disappointed in my body, I know it’s just the flu right? But with me the flu can quickly manifest into a line infection, which means becoming deathly ill, having the line out, and then having another one put in. A verylong and gruelling process and recovering from sepsis is very difficult. I find it so frustrating how unpredictable and unreliable my body is. If it isn’t one thing, it is another and Oscar has been a nightmare!
Each day my husband came home from the funeral home he reiterated how he felt better that I didn’t come as so many people are ill atthis time of year. We knew regardless if I were better I would need to wear a mask to be safe. There have been times in the past I have needed to wear a mask to prevent from further infection and I always notice how uncomfortable people are around me with a mask on. But the thing is, I am not the one with an illness that is contagious, I am protecting myself from people walking around with contagious illnesses. I have always found that to be ironic.
I wanted to share with you how frustrating a chronic illness can be and how it takes away moments I want back. Moments I want to be there, where I want to be better and stronger, and not be sick.
But most importantly to Nan, you will forever be in my heart, I know you are listening and I will see you in my dreams.