My husband and I went shopping on the weekend. He has a new opportunity in fruition and needed to update his suits and ties. We went to an outlet that had so much; it was similar to Winners, but huge! We spent time shopping for him and once finished he said, “You take a look too”. But by this time Oscar was about ready to go. You know when you feel if you breathe too deeply, your bag is simply going to blow off. So by this time, I was in no mood to shop. I used to like shopping, but now, it seems it is a constant reminder that I have a bag on my belly and line in my chest. Yes, I am grateful for Oscar and Hope but every time I look at a piece of clothing, I think of how Oscar or Hope will look. Both are so all encompassing and Oscar is forever filling up, forget it, shopping is out.
I try to rationalize in my head, it isn’t a big deal you have Oscar and Hope, both give me life. What could be more beautiful? And yet, I want to be able to wear some of those clothes. I probably sound superficial right now, but I think it is more than that. I think it is more about feeling worthy enough to feel good in the clothes I wear. To be able to believe, to truly believe, that despite Oscar and Hope I can feel worthy as an individual. That my friend is a big challenge.
So I think I may have figured a remedy for my dislike for finding clothes, shoes! Oscar and Hope have nothing on my shoes!