In my circumstances apologies are used in the instances of: my nurse coming, having to hook up to my IV, not being well enough or strong enough to do something or go somewhere, my crazy symptoms acting up, not being able to eat somewhere or something, my continuous adventures of having to find a bathroom ASAP, asking for help in general (not good at doing this at all, but am working on it), and not being able to work and financially contribute. This is just a glimpse of all the ways I regularly apologize for having DIGITS.
I know DIGITS is not in my control but I feel I should be sorry for the inconveniences it causes on both mine and my families lives. When my sister calls me out on one of my regular apologies she always follows up with “how is this your fault?” I can always immediately respond with, “If I didn’t have DIGITS” or “If my body worked better” then we would not be in this situation.
I know my health is not in my control. I know that I need to practice a certain lifestyle and balance to help with the symptoms but even with these great accommodations, DIGITS is a force to be reckoned with.
My mind will wonder and I think of the possibilities of “What if?” What if I didn’t have DIGITS? What if I was stronger? What if I was able to handle DIGITS better? Would I still have all of these limitations?
I feel guilty that I have DIGITS. It is upon my reflection, I realize how exhausting always being sorry is. At the same time, I don’t know how to change. So my first step is to pay attention to the amount of times I apologize for the illness. I also aim to reflect on if the circumstance of my apology is truly in my control. But even when I do this I know I will still feel guilty; I need help. So I am going to do some research by reading. I will let you know how I make out.
For those of you who are interested, this is what I will be reading.
Boyd, J. H (2005). Being Sick Well: Joyful living despite chronic illness. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.
Donoghue, P. J., & Siegel, M. E. (2000). Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.